Have to move fast, it was getting dark
looked up , yea i could see the sky now
there was more light in this part of the forest, My mouth was dry like i never had water for days, Just after the sunset. Dehydrated again,
Still half a mile to walk, no strength left, my knees shaking.
i was sitting on a rock, with shattered pride.
Completely drenched in sweat, completly.
Taking deep breaths, Dripping wet.
Drops of sweat falling from my head, tip of my nose like an open tap, badly needed some more water to drink. Half a mile in a forest was quite a long walk in this fading light.
My palms were badly bruised, I could see two blood clots on my left palm, right below the fingers. Are they blood clots ? took a closer look through my fogged spects
i was carrying a towel in my camera bag wanted to dry my head
it just did not matter. Nothing mattered any more.
yea yea yea i shook my head and smiled
Things in the bag were so meaningless.
Nearly lost my life, an hour ago
i was shivering, it wasn't that cold, mid february it was.
i was shivering with fear, i was shivering with cold.
i was not afraid when i was facing death.
Fear gripped me now, on safer ground
Sitting on a rock completely shattered.
'raufaan' i heard my mom's voice calling me
Hallucination, i was clearly halucinating
Amma, maaaaa........... it was in my head
This time i whispered 'Amma', i called my mom
i did not cry
Felt heavy in my chest, lump in my throat, but did not cry
No more voices.
Wrong place to smoke and attract elephants
Now i did not care, i lit my pipe and smoked.
George Clooney, he got an oscar, George Clooney ? his death in syriana came to mind
one explosion, so many dead, on the road.
Do i have enemies ? No, i have lot of people who are pretty mad at me but no enemies.
incoherant thoughts. Vision was getting blurred.
Did not even bother to clean my spects.
Lyeeqh, my childood friend, blind he was, terrific singer, have to locate him and meet him, never met him for more than 40 years,
As if !! haha, how sweet !! Clueless, Alicia Silverstone, sweet she is,
Azzif .... i said aloud, and she twists her lips, i smiled
No, i should not tell any one about my stupidity, my weakness.
Things started getting more incoherant,
Ramgopal, cheated me, i am happy that he is dead.
Am I happy that some one is dead ?
i complain abour evil people, ...... i am evil.
Is there any one who would be happy if i died ?
None that i could think of
Two floors above the butcher
First door on the right
Life filled to the brim
As I stood by my window
And I looked out of those
i was humming the song now, Neil Diamond its in my iPOD
streets of my childhood, my playmates, we used to play cricket across the road with a bat made out of a plank cracked wood, this flashed my mind as i was dying an hour ago.
i am afraid to cross the same road now, non stop traffic. i could have died on the road years ago
am i going mad ?
i am going mad
dialogue running in my mind with my mother as I smoked
A moment ago i heard her voice, calling me.
i loved my mom to bits, she died in my arms, with a spoon i was pouring water in her mouth, i saw her last breath leave. I closed her mouth, i held her in my arm, staring at her kind face, her lips opened, then she took one more breath, that was her last. i felt so guily, that i closed her mouth before she died, before her last breath, kissed her on her forehead, still warm,
Gently placed her on the pillow.
It was all coming back to me now.
I did not cry.
I loved her so much.
No you don't love me
amma ??.........maaaaa ?
Do you think I am not alive ?
yes maaa you are alive
i suddenly realised that mother is alive, it is not just a piece of rock like moon and other planets.....this planet is special.
Mother earth.....lifeless soil, rocks, lifeless water, hydrogen and oxygen, no life. just solid liquid and gas, no life, no mind.
How wrong I was. Mother earth can think, it can act. it can punish, defying all the laws of physics.
Mother earth wrote her own laws
She has a heart, she has a mind.
I belive in science, nothing else, I need conclusive proof of everything.
Do you know you are the only one who has defied my wishes my child ? defied my rules ?
No i have not maaa !
This is not hallucination, i was talking to myself, like Anthony perkins in Psycho
I am making things up. This dialogue, smoking, completely dehydrated. Not in sound mind.
Yes i have been disobedient maaa, some times
Why are you so proud ? what makes you sooo proud ?
Do you think you are superior to my other children ?
Yes amma, i am superior.
I just shattered your pride and you were crawling ? remember ? an hour ago ? you were down on your knees, remember ?
My mouth was dry, this is something i didn't want to tell even to my closest friends
Do you think you are special ?
yes maaa, i am, i was defiant
Do you think you are superior to your own brothers ?
yes i am maaaa !
Why ? tell me why ?
i have knowledge, i know the capital of united states is Hollywood, I have 2 cameras and i have three iPODs full of terrific music maaaa !
I could imagine my mother smiling at me
You are such a fool my son, these things don't mean anything to me, your knowledge is so useless to me.
i have 300 rupees in my bank amma
the elephant behind you doesn't even have a bank account and he is lot happier than you are
oh dear ! I jumped when i heard some noise, no elephants, this side of forest area was not dense like the one i had climbed an hour ago, so dense that there was hardly any light there
Watch out my child, you are stepping on elephant dung
thanks maaa !
take a closer look
it was dark but i could still see worms in the elephant dung and flies, no, not flies mosquitos, not sure, they were too small, very thin and black, hundreds of them.
My child, you are no superior than the worm in elephand dung, you are all the same to me, i take care of all of you, i feed you all.
i am wise amma, i have wisdom and i am intelligent, this worm is not, you are insulting me.
what a comparison ! me and a worm ha !
i have the power to destroy them amma. I can smash them right now and God has chosen me as a superior to rule the world
What god ? you mean the god you have created ? How foolish ?
I am so ashamed to call you my son, you are a coward you know that ?
You - are - such - a - coward, you use your power to destroy the weak, this worm is a part of me you fool, and you are no longer a part of me., and it is contributing in maintaining the balance my child, it is lot wiser than you are.
I am ashamed of you.
Your wisdom and intelligence has only inflicted injuries on me, smeared the blood of the innocent children on me, I am wounded my child I am bleeding, you have hurt your own mother, these worms are not hurting me a bit.
We are doing everything we can to heal your injuries maaa, we are doing our best.
how wrong you are my child, like the wounds you have on your body now, I can heal myself, i don't need your help,
you are too small to help me you fool.
Even if you make me greener as i was thousands of years ago I will continue to punish you.
I can make myself green, I can beautify myself you know ? without your help
I don't need your help.
What can you do, tell me what can you do maaa ? i am intellegent enough to defend myself
haha ! you forgot, you nearly lost your life just a while ago, its me who saved you, a thin flimsy root saved your life.
No, i was angry, No, i could have used anything to save my life
i did not beg for mercy
But it was the root which saved your life
i did not beg
i did not pray to any god, or beg for mercy, i was willing to die
i did not beg
but it was the strength of the thin root
i could have used anything to my advantage at that moment, it happened to be the strength of the root
you are alive now
i have the will to survive,
ok what will you do amma ? tell me what will you do to us ?
I'll destroy you and your brothers and sisters in a matter of few seconds
How much is that ? your few seconds haa ?
Say five hundred years of your time, I am giving you enough time to rectify yourself.
What ? whats wrong with me ? why do i rectify myself ?, i am fine thank you.
Yes I am right, I made the mistake of bringing you in here, you your brothers and sisters are the biggest blunder I have commited, bigger than the giant reptiles.
You are such a disappointment to me my child. Its time I rectify my mistake, its time for you to go, I'm affraid your days are numbered,
Yes you have to go, your days are numbered.
C'mmon amma you always say that when ever i am disobedient.
This worm obeys my wishes, obeys my rules, it is in line, and it is in order and you are not.
you have moved away from the order, moved away from the line.
We are trying to join them amma, we are trying, honestly
No you are not. you are not even making an attempt,
It is not the injuries you have inflicted on me that bothers me,
It is your attitude your arrogance which hurts me most.
You are lost in your petty philosophies, you created gods, you created religions, do you think it helped me ?
Not one bit.
you brought misery on your own brothers, you deny them what i give to all. You stand divided, you drew lines on my body, you divided your own mother ? How shameful of you ?
You impose your thinking on others. if they refuse to join you, you destroy and kill them ??,
YOU ARE A VIOLENT RACE.
you enjoy violence in the news, you enjoy violence in your sport and you enjoy violence in your entertainment. You take pleasure in spilling blood,
and to annoy me more, YOU TREAT YOUR OWN BROTHERS AS INFERIORS, you keep them hungry, you see them dying of starvation when i have given you plenty to share with all my children.
I had such high hopes on you, I thought you would be the best of all my children,
you turned out to be the worst, you have disappointed me miserably.
I have no option, but to wipe you off my surface.
oh dear!.... mom is clearly mad at us
what do we do amma, tell me what do we do ? We have woken up now, we have realised our mistakes
No, you have not, you are not awake, you are still sleeping.
We are doing what we can amma, we are trying to help you
No, I can take care of myself, what dumb notion trying to help me ?? ha !
This worm in the elephant dung can help me more than all of you put together.
What do you expect us to do then, maaaa ??
I will not take anything less than a change of heart.
now go, it is dark. and stop smoking you idiot, you are killing yourself, you are the only self destructive species I have to deal with and believe me my child, you and your brothers will help me in destroying you by killing each other yourself. Go kill each other, you would be making my task lot easier, and I will have lot less guilt in wiping you and your brothers off my surface.
I will think of keeping you alive only if you behave and prove to be good children
And not by healing my injuries.
We will fight maaa, we will fight, self destructive you said, yes we are, you cannot finish us like you did to the giant reptiles, you cannot make us beg maaa, you cannot make us beg
we are humans, we have love, we have compassion, and most of all, we sacrifice maaa,
We would sacrifice for our children, for our younger generation, we are not giant reptiles maaa who ate their own childrento stay alive.
We will sacrifice our lives, sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice, Elton John, i have that on my iPOD maa you wanna hear it ?
Just shut up, I hate lawyers
I am not a lawyer maaa,
Amma, do you still care about us ?
Of course I do. you better change your attitude and remember,
I WILL NOT TAKE ANYTHING LESS THAN A CHANGE OF HEART
Now go, its dark
i have a flash light maaa,
And watch out for snakes, they are my children too.
amma, maaaa ???
Half an hour of walk in the forest, in dehydrated condition. I came out of the forest,
what a relief,
i walked in to a huge tea estate, open sky, more light here, this is just a part of the tea estate, very big area
i realised our blunders, such a huge area of forest was destroyed for tea plantation.
WE HAVE TO SACRIFICE A LOT FOR THE FUTURE OF OUR CHILDREN
Beyond this tea estate is the forest.
Took this picture before i entered the forest.
My friend Asokan and the guide were waiting for me, Asokan was shocked to see me. He said he has never seen me so shattered before. How is the water falls ? he asked
i said it was not worth the risk, Asokan and i have seen lot better waterfalls more beautiful ones. We have gone on the Himalayan trek together some 25 years ago, we have traveled a lot together. Asokan being much senior to me, my most respected friend, my guide, my teacher.
What took you so long ? the tribal guide asked me, i gave him 100 rupees and went straight for the water which was coming thru a pipe. We had to walk for more than two miles on a easy jeep track. We walked under the moonlight towards the road and i heard the sound of a distant bus or a truck
That sound was music to me
I was stupid enough to go on a trek in an unknown territory unequipped, though i am quite familiar with Wynad forests Had a guide, a young tribal, but he never told me how steep the descent was, wanted to go and see a waterfall i heard about, take pictures , i could hear the roar of the river from a mile below.
Can't be that far i thought, Meenmutty in Wynad kerala, this happened two months ago
Steep descent is more difficult than climbing, it was tough on my knees, i am too old for it and it was getting steeper, nearly vertical, too late to give up. Since it was nearly vertical, the roots of the trees were jutting out giving me a good foothold. I was descending holding on to the roots. Dense and dark forest, no fear of elephants.
Too steep and slippery for them and they are more sensible than me,
i just had to watch out for snakes.
My hands were not free to take pictures.
I'll cut it short, No problems, i reached the waterfall, nothing great, i have seen lot better ones. Took pictures, stayed there for more than half an hour. It was nearing sunset. Completely refreshed, too late for a mile of vertical climb. The guide disappeared, i started climbing, was soon panting for breath, no place to sit and take rest, you can't sit on a near vertical terrain. i could just stop, holding on to a couple of roots, take a few deep breaths and climb again. My camera bag was a burdon.
i started cursing myself, cursing my love of the wilderness, i longed for traffic, traffic noise, roaring of engines, honking of horns, i longed for the city, noisy markets, pollution, i am not ashamed of admitting this. i was sweating too much, no water to drink. My hands were not free to open a water bottle, there was no bottle. i was afraid i would get dehydrated and collapse. My hands were wet, This was prooving to be more difficult than all my Himalayan treks.
My bad luck
I stepped on a loose rock and i slipped, went sliding about 10 feet down,
As I was sliding fast, I grabbed a root, my feet dangling in the air, hoping some tree or a branch would stop me from falling on to the rocks below. i could feel something like a row small beads in the root, giving me a good grip.
So this is the end, my whole life, my childhood flashed before my eyes.
A very thin root held my life, it could snap. end of me.
'me' sounded so meaningless now.
I did not feel the pain of bruises and cuts on my chest.
i'll go now. Last sunset of my life.
As it was getting darker, the roar of the river below me was getting louder.
Just seconds before i fall, smashing my head against the rocks and the river will take me. i was more worried about causing a problem to Asokan, my friend who was waiting for me up there in locating my body.
The thin root turned out to be too strong. I felt the power of nature,
I am not strong, physically, mentally
my palm was burning, no blood, one hand free.
If i try to swing my legs, the thin root would snap. There was no option.
One two three i swung, just a little
i could see another root which I could hold with my free hand, not far, but my free hand couldn't reach it.
i swing again, my shoulder was killing me, missed once , on my second attempt i grabbed it with my free hand and hauled myself up.
This stupid camera bag still dangling, managed to trap one foot on another root, little away. i stayed in that spread position for ten minutes, breathing heavily, dust in my mouth and nostrils, Face down, smelling the loose and dry soil. A thin root saved my life, so strong it was.
Badly needed a little flat space to stop, free my hands and clean up my spects which were fogged with dust while sliding down.
The whole thing took just a few seconds including the flashback of my life, my childhood.
i felt weak, no strength in my legs and in my hands, I was getting dehydrated.
i will not do this again, there are people waiting for me at home, my life is full of love up to the brim
No i will not do it.
i just wanted to reach a spring i saw on my way down. where does that water go ?
It should go down and join the river, but i saw no signs of it, no noise, as the roar of the river down below was too loud. did not know how far I had to climb to reach there.
i rubbed my face against my shirt sleeve rubbing my spects which cleared the dust a little but there was still covered with dust from inside. i was able to see now, bit more clearly, saw a thicker root or was it a tail of a snake ?
The root did not move, so it wasn't a snake, i grabbed the thicker root, lot safer.
i was hoping that the guide would come back looking for me, he did not.
i will not pay him, but i paid 100 rupees later.
Where's my iPod ? i remember it was in my pocket. No, it's in my camera bag, my guide was listening to it, at the waterfall, he did not like the music, He made faces and gave it back to me and i put it in the camera bag.
Mr. Eric Clapton, my guide did not like your music.
It was getting dark, i could not see the sky yet, my hands were not free to take the flash light out of my camera bag. Lets go, soon reached the spot which was more inclined less vertical. No strength in my legs, Dehydration was getting me.
i crawled, shamefully crawled. My knees were not injured, i was wearing thick Lee Dungrees.
Crawling was a relief to my aching shoulders. Was i climbing in the right direction ?
i have a poor sense of direction and half my faculties were not working
i did not see my foot marks, Dark. Then i heard the gushing sound of water hitting rocks nearby. i had drifted but not very far. Crawled in that direction side ways.
Yes, found it, the spring. i did not see the source. Not much place to sit, a little flat rock, Crouched, had to shove my head inside
Something is missing,
something is missing
Cupped my hands to take water, and i drank, and i drank
i did not even wash the dust and dirt on my hands, nothing existed for me
just me and the water.
i felt the cuts and bruises now.
Later that night in the hotel room, i found no cuts or wounds, just minor bruises, very minor. Perhaps it was my sweat burning them. My palm burned too but still i did not see the blood clots.
As i was withdrawing myself, I realised that in sheer desperation i forgot to do something vital
i should have thrown a couple of stones before entering the wierd looking cave like rock
This is the kind of place where you would most likely encounter a snake, i would have collapsed dehyderated in another five minutes. It was not half as bright as the picture shows. I could barely see the water. Took a picture in poor light.
Another five minutes, it was easy to climb, less trees more light.
Soon i started sweating again, still no place to sit, still it was vertical for me, where did all the water i drank go? descending back to drink more water was foolish, had no time, it was getting darker and darker
i was still looking up, trying to see the top, I couldn't even see the sky. in ten minutes i reached a spot from where it was still less steeper. i saw the sky. Thankfully this steep strech was very short, in ten minutes I reached the top but still not out of the forest, had to walk on flat trail for another twenty to thirty minutes, half a mile.
i saw no snakes, none, not one.
Found a rock and sat there. there was more light here.
right after sunset.
I was safe,
No not yet, I saw the elephant dung. They can't be very far
i had no strength to run. i needed more water to drink,
i was badly sweating, dripping wet, breathing heavily.
shivering with fear, shivering with cold
And i started hearing voices in my head
i was halucinating.
Actually the Meenmutty trek is not very difficult, As i was entering the forest i saw six youngsters crossing me, they stopped and spoke to my friend Asokan,
one of them said, 'uncle you can't make it, its too steep and dangerous, uncle, we gave up'.
I did not take the warning. Luckily my friend Asokan stopped, but i like a damn fool decided to go ahead, as i told you the trek is not very difficultIt was my bad luck that I placed too much faith on a loose rock and slipped. Perhaps I was very tired after Edukkal caves trek in the morning with Asokan. That was not as vertical as this, and there were solid rocks, we made it easily.
i was feeling wierd right since morning, it was the kind of feeling when you are appearing for your exams unprepared. i was afraid of exams even when i was well prepared. The trek in the morning with Asokan was quite steep but not near vertical, on our way back i took these pictures, and this scene struck me like a thunderbolt.
Why are they doing this ? What a sin ! chopping so many trees, this is just from a small forest area.
i realised they are chopping them to meet our demands.
If i have a big dining table my neighbour would like to have even a bigger one.
Demand is the key. i don't blame them.
Our problems lie somewhere else.
Believe me, the people who are talking about saving this planet have no clue what they are talking about.